Startling, irrefutable evidence of Tom Cruise’s plan to take over the world
I’m writing this from an undisclosed location desperately trying to avoid being caught by two mysterious men in space monkey suits. So in case what you’re reading now seems to be written under duress, you are not only astute but also incredibly correct.
It all started a week ago on July 3, the day Tom Cruise turned 50. Well, technically Cruise didn’t turn 50 last week. He can never turn 50. Or 40. Maybe 30, yes, but his plan is to continue being 27 forever.
At any rate, scientologists such as Cruise don’t ‘turn’ anything, they only ‘turn into’ things as they believe all ‘thetans’ (souls) are reincarnated and have lived on other planets before coming to Earth.
I had read about his actor-wife Katie Holmes starting divorce proceedings last month after threatening to expose her husband’s immortality and I thought that this would be the right time to find out whether Cruise and Holmes had indeed met at a restaurant at the end of the universe two human lifecycles ago, something that neither Hello! magazine nor Will Smith, the Man in Black, has been able to confirm or deny. But I also wanted to find out why (almost) everybody loves to hate Tom Cruise.
Prrbhht, I hear you say. How can a man who has raked in $75 million as earnings between May 2011 and May 2012 be hated even by that elusive entity called ‘(almost) everybody’?
From all the data I’ve managed to gather, which my space monkey pursuers want to steal from me and destroy, it seems that we are under Cruise’s hypnotic thrall not despite, but because of the great threat he poses to our better senses.
If there’s one thing I was taught in school, it was to be careful about people whose real name is Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. But who in the mid-80s could resist the charms of Mr Mapother in that 110-minute advertisement for Ray-Ban sunglasses, Top Gun? A few years later in Cocktail, Cruise made buck teeth cool and gave fellow youngsters like me a reason to come out of the woodwork, no longer afraid to smile.
But that was in the 80s. What has made the man linger in our collective consciousness 30 years later today when Justin Bieber and his lot should have sated our craving for Camembert levels of cheesiness? My investigations have led me to only one conclusion: scientological mind control through Tom Cruise movies.
In films like Born on the Fourth of July, Jerry McGuire, Eyes Wide Shut and, most recently, Rock of Ages, Cruise showed a tendency to act. But it was like watching a duck-billed platypus trying to fly. In movies like The Last Samurai and Valkyrie, he came across as a box of cornflakes, and I’m talking about the box. Records of the brain wave patterns of audiences who saw all these films point to a gentle mashing of the mind, which, as you all know, is the precursor to becoming slaves of a tyrannical thetan.
What earned Cruise his toothy mojo was the Mission Impossible movies (although I genuinely liked him as the lardy, bump’n’grind producer in the hilarious Tropic Thunder where he was joyously unrecognisable.) Here, as agent Ethan Hunt, Cruise was the pretty boy antecedent to Matt Damon’s Jason Bourne and Daniel Craig’s James Bond. But in reality, Stage 2 of world domination had started.
Who, after all, except an alien with the conquest of Earth on his mind would do all his own crazy stunts, like jumping up and down on a sofa like a chimp in heat on The Oprah Winfrey Show to declare his love for his now soon-to-be divorced wife? And who except ditto would fly from Reykjavik to Los Angeles on his 50th Earth birthday to start the final stage of world take-over?
No, not even Tom Hanks gone evil. Which would have been cool actually, were it not for the fact that the scientologists in space monkey suits have just spotted me and... [Transmission crackles and ends abruptly]
(Indrajit Hazra is a Delhi-based novelist and journalist.)